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My surgery was at 7:30 am in Day Surgery at GMC. Now, why it's called "day surgery", I will never know. It should be called "middle of the night surgery". We had to get up around 5:15 this morning. I was less than eager to go. Naturally, I did not sleep well. We had to be at the hospital at 6:15 this morning. I was lucky enough to get a nurse who knew how to lighten the mood. He tried to help me relax, and it helped. I asked him if I could change my mind and go home, and he said yes, but that he doubted that it would make things better. The nurses wheeled me back into the OR, and I broke down. At that moment, they gave me anethesia, and I passed out. I went to Lala Land, a place without pain, without worry, without sorrow. I knew I was asleep, but for once, there was no pain. When they woke me up, my head was pounding. They forced Coke and graham crackers into me, then rushed me out the door. We were home by 10 am and I slept most of today. They gave me three prescriptions--ibuprofin, an antibiotic, and a medicine to stop bleeding.

Physically, I'm in good shape. I am healthy, and though my blood pressure was high yesterday, they were not worried about it at all--they have chalked it up to stress and emotional upset. Emotionally, though, I am a mess. I am constantly in tears. I feel very incomplete right now. I've spent the past three months protecting the twins, feeding them, nurturing them, doing everything I could to keep them safe. Their hearts were once beating, but they both stopped. There's still so much we don't know about the twins. I don't (and probably won't) know their genders, and we have no clue why their hearts stopped. My body didn't recognize that they were gone, and it still doesn't. My previous miscarriages happened before there were heartbeats. This time, it was different. I literally feel like I have lost two of my children, and my family is not complete.

Time will heal many of these emotions. For me, typically, the quickest way for me to heal after a miscarriage is to get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy soon. I don't know what will happen. I wish I knew what the future held, but I don't. The twins were a complete surprise, and no sooner did we get excited about them then they were ripped away. They were on this earth for a short while, but my sweet angels will never be forgotten.