Heartbroken

By now, most of you know I am 11 weeks pregnant. I have a pregnancy blog I've been writing in weekly as well, and one of my friends accidently stumbled upon and found out about the pregnancy before I was ready to announce it. Most of you also know it's twins, but that at the ultrasound yesterday, they could not find a heartbeat for either twin.

This is a surprise pregnancy. Noah was a surprise as well, but this time, both Chris and I were stunned. I barely got up the nerve to tell Chris. I took about 7 tests before I believed that I was pregnant, and each one got brighter than the last one. Chris' initial reaction was not the best. After a couple of weeks, though, we both adjusted to the idea of a new baby. I have wanted a 4th child since before Noah was born, but Chris disagreed. I was thrilled that God had taken control and blessed us with another baby.

Due to some insurance issues, I had to wait a bit to be seen for the pregnancy. However, from the very beginning, I was sick. I have nauseous for the past two months now, and have too many food aversions to name. I am certain I have lost weight, and this is why I always posted on Facebook that I felt yucky.

I finally got my insurance stuff figured out, and called my OB on Monday to try to force my way in this week. I had taken another pregnancy test on Halloween, and it freaked me out because it wasn't as bright as my original tests had been. However, considering how sick I've been, I figured everything was ok. Anyway, I finally convinced them to do bloodwork on Tuesday. I was a nervous wreck until I heard from them on Thursday, at which time they told me that my bloodwork looked great but they wanted to go ahead and get a dating ultrasound in. I was so nervous on Friday, but I prayed extra hard for the news to be good.

As they took me back to get the ultrasound, I was almost in tears. I explained how nervous I was, and the tech told me it would be ok. She did an abdominal ultrasound, and immediately, I saw two sacks. I also did not see a heartbeat, but I prayed that maybe I was just missing it, or maybe the other baby would have it. After a few minutes, the tech got my midwife, and my worst fears were realized. Not only was I pregnant with twins, but neither one had a heartbeat. I threw up when they told me. I had so many people praying for good news that I couldn't believe God could be so cruel. Everything we have gone through this pregnancy to have to face a double miscarriage was too much to handle. I had a missed miscarriage before Aidan, and it was devastating. This is about 100 times worse than that. To begin with, Chris does not want a fourth child. I desperately want a fourth child. In fact, Chris even talked about getting sterilized regardless of how this pregnancy turned out. I can't deal with that. When I lose a pregnancy, the only thing to help get over it is for me to get pregnant again. Right now, I feel lost, and empty inside. I want these babies more than anything in the world. What did I do to deserve losing not one, but two babies at one time? I am full of hurt, anger, resentment. I don't want to have a D&C. I already look about 5 months pregnant, and I'm not ready to let go. I've cried so much, yet the tears won't stop. I know they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I can't handle this. I need some good news.

I am overcome with the outpouring of love and support I've received from friends and family, some of whom I've never met. Ladies who have known me since I was pg. with Aidan have posted prayer requests on their Facebook pages, and I am humbled. I feel so bad, but I don't understand why God would give me a double blessing only to rip it away. I have no strength, and my pregnancy hormones are off the charts right now--over 300,000! I am grasping onto a glimmer of hope that maybe another ultrasound will reveal they were wrong, but I doubt it.

Please keep us in your prayers. We need strength--at least, I do.