This past Tuesday, Noah had his last speech therapy session with Trip. He's come such a long way with his speech. Noah will try to say new words almost daily--elephant, ornament, and train track are just a sample of his new vocabulary. Though he did not cooperate on Tuesday, I do feel confident in our decision to discontinue speech for the time being. His vocabulary is exploding, and we know how to encourage his speech. If we decide that his is not progressing, we can opt to begin therapy for him again.
It was a bittersweet day. When I think back to his pediatrician first recommending ST, I was very much against it. Noah didn't seem delayed to me, or to Chris. We gradually opened up to the idea of ST, and we got a wonderful speech therapist in Trip. Noah formed a bond with him, and mostly cooperated during his sessions. He has learned to assert himself with his siblings, and though he may get on a tangent and babble in his own language, at least he is attempting to communicate his needs. And the word "no" has become a staple in his vocabulary, especially when it comes to bedtime!
For now, we are going to remain optimistic about his speech, and pray that he will continue to make great strides in acheiving his goals!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
'Tis the Season...
After such a horrible November, I was hopeful that December might bring a bit of comfort and joy to us. I had my post-op on Dec. 3. As I was waiting for an entire hour to see the doctor, my mind began to wrap around the situation from November. I am fairly certain I know why God chose for me to get pregnant and then to lose the pregnacy. Well, that may be a bit forward for me to claim to know the mysterious ways that God works, but I have a few guesses.
To begin with, I think this may have happened to help Chris and me really communicate. With three small children and work, we often get so wrapped up in life that we forget to communicate with one another. The day of my post-op, three weeks since my D&C, we finally talked about the miscarriage for the first time. We may not have reached any conclusions, but we did finally talk about things. Chris did not respond well when he found out I was pregnant. I was shocked, but ultimately, I was extremely happy and excited. I felt fulfilled, something I had been missing recently. As I learned the fate of the pregnancy, subconsiously, I blamed Chris. Naturally, I knew he didn't want the miscarriage, but in my state of hormones, I felt the need to blame someone. He didn't want to talk about the miscarriage because he knew that I might be feeling this way. Truthfully, he doesn't want more children. I, on the other hand, desperately want one more child. My baby fever was bad before, but it is off the charts now. Have we figured out our differences on this matter? Absolutely not. However, he did agree to talk about having another child once he finds a new job, hopefully soon after the New Year. I can accept that, and I can respect that. However, my dr. seemed to think we might do well seeking professional help. We both declined, because her reason for suggesting it was unfounded. My dr. suggested counciling because Chris and I weren't talking about the miscarriage, but what she didn't realize was that we couldn't talk--two days after the surgery, Chris lost his grandmother and went to Arkansas for the funeral. After he came home, Katie ended up very sick, and then I got sick. By the time I was better, it was time to see the dr. So, in a nutshell, we have opted to not seek professional counciling at the time, mostly because we finally able to process things.
Another reason I believe this happened was to provide support for my friends. One of my high school friends discovered that she was pregnant a few weeks after I did, and she was only a week behind me. She goes to my OB, and her ultrasound was only days after mine. I found on Thursday that my babies had passed, and she discovered the following Monday that her baby had passed as well. The bond that has formed between us has been amazing. She had her D&C only one day after I had mine. Through our darkest, loneliest days, we had each other for support, and I truly believe that has helped me through this time. As well-meaning as friends and family are, the only person who can truly relate is someone who has gone through a very similar situation. During those first hard weeks, we constantly messaged one another and cried to each other, both of us longing for our angel babies. As we've fought through difficult situations, we can express our sadness at seeing other pregnant women, longing for what we had mere weeks ago. When our husbands cannot understand why we burst into tears for no reason, we lean on one another for support. As well, I have another friend who had lost a baby in the summer due to an ectopic pregnancy. She miraculously became pregnant again and was due a couple weeks after I was, but she lost this baby at 11 weeks as well. We have created such a support group for one another. Another one of my good friends sent me a gift simply to cheer me up. I am beyond blessed to have such supportive friends and family.
I also believe God must have a great plan for my future. I pray that he will bless us with one more child, but I think he must've realized that I had begun to lose my way, and this was his way of snapping me back to reality. I did not pray as much as I should've. I would call on God for favors, but did I talk to him to thank him for my blessings?
There is not a doubt in my mind that 2011 will bring it's share of good times and bad, but I pray I can see the silver lining as I continue this long journey of healing.
To begin with, I think this may have happened to help Chris and me really communicate. With three small children and work, we often get so wrapped up in life that we forget to communicate with one another. The day of my post-op, three weeks since my D&C, we finally talked about the miscarriage for the first time. We may not have reached any conclusions, but we did finally talk about things. Chris did not respond well when he found out I was pregnant. I was shocked, but ultimately, I was extremely happy and excited. I felt fulfilled, something I had been missing recently. As I learned the fate of the pregnancy, subconsiously, I blamed Chris. Naturally, I knew he didn't want the miscarriage, but in my state of hormones, I felt the need to blame someone. He didn't want to talk about the miscarriage because he knew that I might be feeling this way. Truthfully, he doesn't want more children. I, on the other hand, desperately want one more child. My baby fever was bad before, but it is off the charts now. Have we figured out our differences on this matter? Absolutely not. However, he did agree to talk about having another child once he finds a new job, hopefully soon after the New Year. I can accept that, and I can respect that. However, my dr. seemed to think we might do well seeking professional help. We both declined, because her reason for suggesting it was unfounded. My dr. suggested counciling because Chris and I weren't talking about the miscarriage, but what she didn't realize was that we couldn't talk--two days after the surgery, Chris lost his grandmother and went to Arkansas for the funeral. After he came home, Katie ended up very sick, and then I got sick. By the time I was better, it was time to see the dr. So, in a nutshell, we have opted to not seek professional counciling at the time, mostly because we finally able to process things.
Another reason I believe this happened was to provide support for my friends. One of my high school friends discovered that she was pregnant a few weeks after I did, and she was only a week behind me. She goes to my OB, and her ultrasound was only days after mine. I found on Thursday that my babies had passed, and she discovered the following Monday that her baby had passed as well. The bond that has formed between us has been amazing. She had her D&C only one day after I had mine. Through our darkest, loneliest days, we had each other for support, and I truly believe that has helped me through this time. As well-meaning as friends and family are, the only person who can truly relate is someone who has gone through a very similar situation. During those first hard weeks, we constantly messaged one another and cried to each other, both of us longing for our angel babies. As we've fought through difficult situations, we can express our sadness at seeing other pregnant women, longing for what we had mere weeks ago. When our husbands cannot understand why we burst into tears for no reason, we lean on one another for support. As well, I have another friend who had lost a baby in the summer due to an ectopic pregnancy. She miraculously became pregnant again and was due a couple weeks after I was, but she lost this baby at 11 weeks as well. We have created such a support group for one another. Another one of my good friends sent me a gift simply to cheer me up. I am beyond blessed to have such supportive friends and family.
I also believe God must have a great plan for my future. I pray that he will bless us with one more child, but I think he must've realized that I had begun to lose my way, and this was his way of snapping me back to reality. I did not pray as much as I should've. I would call on God for favors, but did I talk to him to thank him for my blessings?
There is not a doubt in my mind that 2011 will bring it's share of good times and bad, but I pray I can see the silver lining as I continue this long journey of healing.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"You Give Me Fever"
"Fever! Fever in the morning, fever all through the night." This pretty much describes our household this past week. It's no secret that Katie went to the hospital with the flu. She developed pneumonia and ended up at CHOA urgent care on Thanksgiving night. Aidan's had a low-grade fever all week, complaining that his leg hurts and he's congested. Noah developed a fever on Thanksgiving, but so far, he seems to be ok. On Wednesday, much to my dismay, I began aching and coughing, but I refused to let myself get down. I took medicine and fought through Thanksgiving and working at Van Adams the day after Thanksgiving. However, last night, I gave in. I am coughing so hard that it hurts, and my congestion has been building all day. I went to the dr. today, and he thinks I have the flu/respiratory virus and a sinus infection. Chris is the only one who seems to gotten by on this one, and I am glad that he seems ok, at least for now.
How many more days until December? This truly has been the worst month I can remember. November started so positively, too. I got my approval from insurance for the pregnancy, and I was excited that I could get an ultrasound. Then I got mad because my dr. wanted me wait until Nov. 18 for my first ultrasound. I forced the issue and got an ultrasound the first week of November, only to get excited when I saw twins and disappointed when I was told neither one was alive. The D&C was a nightmare, and then Chris' grandmother passed away two days after my surgery. Now, everyone is sick, and we've ended up at the hospital. The icing on the cake? There was a flat tire on the van this afternoon. I'm done!!!!! I need a break.
Maybe, just maybe, December has some kind of cheer coming our way. November has been nothing but a disappointment.
How many more days until December? This truly has been the worst month I can remember. November started so positively, too. I got my approval from insurance for the pregnancy, and I was excited that I could get an ultrasound. Then I got mad because my dr. wanted me wait until Nov. 18 for my first ultrasound. I forced the issue and got an ultrasound the first week of November, only to get excited when I saw twins and disappointed when I was told neither one was alive. The D&C was a nightmare, and then Chris' grandmother passed away two days after my surgery. Now, everyone is sick, and we've ended up at the hospital. The icing on the cake? There was a flat tire on the van this afternoon. I'm done!!!!! I need a break.
Maybe, just maybe, December has some kind of cheer coming our way. November has been nothing but a disappointment.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Really?!
For the most part, I try to stay optomistic. Sometimes things get me down, but I usually try to look at the bright side of things. Well, I can officially say that November is one of the worst months I can ever remember. Over the weekend, my parents watched the kids for a couple of hours on Saturday so that I Christmas shop for a couple of hours. Katie had Nutcracker rehearsal, and she had fun. We got home, and she ate three slices of pizza. Aidan, on the other hand, went to bed at 7 pm, complaining of achy legs and a headache. I was praying he did not have the flu. Well, around midnight, Katie knocked on our door, complaining her stomach hurt and that couldn't sleep. I took her temp--it was 102! We gave her a bucket and Tylenol, and sent her to bed. She kept knocking on our door, and on Sunday, we found both Katie and Aidan laying on the floor in front of our door. Aidan got better, but Katie stayed in bed all day, fighting that fever. Today, she still had that fever and vomiting, so I decided to take her to the dr. They tested her for strep and flu, and sure enough, she has the flu. However, her dr. felt that she was too dried out and sent us to Scottish Rite for fluids. Really?! My parents took the boys, and when Chris picked them up, Aidan had a temp as well. His fever is around 100.5, so it's not as bad, but really?
To make matters worse, I have had some complications since the D&C. I began bleeding heavily on Friday, and it's continued. I'm kind of getting worried, but I can't drag kids sick with the flu to the OB's office, so I will call and try to get some medicine called in. As my sister Becky said, I won't be of any use if I end up in the ER.
However, for the moment, I am trying to look for something positive right down during this very dark time. I am thankful that Noah is not sick, and I am thankful to have a supportive family. I think everyone can agree that this has been a bad month for us. We lost our twins, we lost Chris' grandmother, and now we have the flu that sent Katie to the hospital. But, December is next week. Maybe something positive can happen. Maybe we can find some kind of joy this holiday season.
To make matters worse, I have had some complications since the D&C. I began bleeding heavily on Friday, and it's continued. I'm kind of getting worried, but I can't drag kids sick with the flu to the OB's office, so I will call and try to get some medicine called in. As my sister Becky said, I won't be of any use if I end up in the ER.
However, for the moment, I am trying to look for something positive right down during this very dark time. I am thankful that Noah is not sick, and I am thankful to have a supportive family. I think everyone can agree that this has been a bad month for us. We lost our twins, we lost Chris' grandmother, and now we have the flu that sent Katie to the hospital. But, December is next week. Maybe something positive can happen. Maybe we can find some kind of joy this holiday season.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Life Ain't Always Beautiful
Over the past two weeks, I've had a lot of time to reflect on things in my life. Most of the time, I'm pretty good at trying to look at the bright side of things. However, I must admit, right now, I'm having a hard time. I've just been reminded not to take anything for granted--it can be taken away in an instant. Chris lost his grandmother just two days after the D&C. He's in Arkansas right now for the funeral, and he's coming home tomorrow. As much as I need him at home, he needed to be there. Losing three people in one week is too many. Our November has not been the best. Actually, it's been miserable. As shocked as I was to learn of my pregnancy, I am beyond devastated that it ended in two miscarriages. I didn't appreciate what I had, and it was taken away.
Each day is difficult. Sometimes, I don't want to get out of bed. Most times, I am avoiding friends because I'm just not ready. I take it hour by hour, not even day by day. I cry daily. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's not, but my emotions are filled with anger and disappointment.
When I had the miscarriage before Aidan, Chris and I watched "The Princess Diaries 2", and I will forever associate that with my D&C. Kelly Clarkston's song "Breakaway" was the main song in that movie, and any time I hear that song, I think of the pregnancy that I lost. This time, though, one song came to mind. If you listen to the lyrics, it can fit almost any situation, and it's so true. "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" really seems to fit right now. I tried adding the actual video, but it's missing the sound, so here's the link. Just listen to the lyrics--they are amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDNMtn0t2A
Each day is difficult. Sometimes, I don't want to get out of bed. Most times, I am avoiding friends because I'm just not ready. I take it hour by hour, not even day by day. I cry daily. Sometimes it's a lot, sometimes it's not, but my emotions are filled with anger and disappointment.
When I had the miscarriage before Aidan, Chris and I watched "The Princess Diaries 2", and I will forever associate that with my D&C. Kelly Clarkston's song "Breakaway" was the main song in that movie, and any time I hear that song, I think of the pregnancy that I lost. This time, though, one song came to mind. If you listen to the lyrics, it can fit almost any situation, and it's so true. "Life Ain't Always Beautiful" really seems to fit right now. I tried adding the actual video, but it's missing the sound, so here's the link. Just listen to the lyrics--they are amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VDNMtn0t2A
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Empty
My surgery was at 7:30 am in Day Surgery at GMC. Now, why it's called "day surgery", I will never know. It should be called "middle of the night surgery". We had to get up around 5:15 this morning. I was less than eager to go. Naturally, I did not sleep well. We had to be at the hospital at 6:15 this morning. I was lucky enough to get a nurse who knew how to lighten the mood. He tried to help me relax, and it helped. I asked him if I could change my mind and go home, and he said yes, but that he doubted that it would make things better. The nurses wheeled me back into the OR, and I broke down. At that moment, they gave me anethesia, and I passed out. I went to Lala Land, a place without pain, without worry, without sorrow. I knew I was asleep, but for once, there was no pain. When they woke me up, my head was pounding. They forced Coke and graham crackers into me, then rushed me out the door. We were home by 10 am and I slept most of today. They gave me three prescriptions--ibuprofin, an antibiotic, and a medicine to stop bleeding.
Physically, I'm in good shape. I am healthy, and though my blood pressure was high yesterday, they were not worried about it at all--they have chalked it up to stress and emotional upset. Emotionally, though, I am a mess. I am constantly in tears. I feel very incomplete right now. I've spent the past three months protecting the twins, feeding them, nurturing them, doing everything I could to keep them safe. Their hearts were once beating, but they both stopped. There's still so much we don't know about the twins. I don't (and probably won't) know their genders, and we have no clue why their hearts stopped. My body didn't recognize that they were gone, and it still doesn't. My previous miscarriages happened before there were heartbeats. This time, it was different. I literally feel like I have lost two of my children, and my family is not complete.
Time will heal many of these emotions. For me, typically, the quickest way for me to heal after a miscarriage is to get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy soon. I don't know what will happen. I wish I knew what the future held, but I don't. The twins were a complete surprise, and no sooner did we get excited about them then they were ripped away. They were on this earth for a short while, but my sweet angels will never be forgotten.
Physically, I'm in good shape. I am healthy, and though my blood pressure was high yesterday, they were not worried about it at all--they have chalked it up to stress and emotional upset. Emotionally, though, I am a mess. I am constantly in tears. I feel very incomplete right now. I've spent the past three months protecting the twins, feeding them, nurturing them, doing everything I could to keep them safe. Their hearts were once beating, but they both stopped. There's still so much we don't know about the twins. I don't (and probably won't) know their genders, and we have no clue why their hearts stopped. My body didn't recognize that they were gone, and it still doesn't. My previous miscarriages happened before there were heartbeats. This time, it was different. I literally feel like I have lost two of my children, and my family is not complete.
Time will heal many of these emotions. For me, typically, the quickest way for me to heal after a miscarriage is to get pregnant with a healthy pregnancy soon. I don't know what will happen. I wish I knew what the future held, but I don't. The twins were a complete surprise, and no sooner did we get excited about them then they were ripped away. They were on this earth for a short while, but my sweet angels will never be forgotten.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Heartbroken
By now, most of you know I am 11 weeks pregnant. I have a pregnancy blog I've been writing in weekly as well, and one of my friends accidently stumbled upon and found out about the pregnancy before I was ready to announce it. Most of you also know it's twins, but that at the ultrasound yesterday, they could not find a heartbeat for either twin.
This is a surprise pregnancy. Noah was a surprise as well, but this time, both Chris and I were stunned. I barely got up the nerve to tell Chris. I took about 7 tests before I believed that I was pregnant, and each one got brighter than the last one. Chris' initial reaction was not the best. After a couple of weeks, though, we both adjusted to the idea of a new baby. I have wanted a 4th child since before Noah was born, but Chris disagreed. I was thrilled that God had taken control and blessed us with another baby.
Due to some insurance issues, I had to wait a bit to be seen for the pregnancy. However, from the very beginning, I was sick. I have nauseous for the past two months now, and have too many food aversions to name. I am certain I have lost weight, and this is why I always posted on Facebook that I felt yucky.
I finally got my insurance stuff figured out, and called my OB on Monday to try to force my way in this week. I had taken another pregnancy test on Halloween, and it freaked me out because it wasn't as bright as my original tests had been. However, considering how sick I've been, I figured everything was ok. Anyway, I finally convinced them to do bloodwork on Tuesday. I was a nervous wreck until I heard from them on Thursday, at which time they told me that my bloodwork looked great but they wanted to go ahead and get a dating ultrasound in. I was so nervous on Friday, but I prayed extra hard for the news to be good.
As they took me back to get the ultrasound, I was almost in tears. I explained how nervous I was, and the tech told me it would be ok. She did an abdominal ultrasound, and immediately, I saw two sacks. I also did not see a heartbeat, but I prayed that maybe I was just missing it, or maybe the other baby would have it. After a few minutes, the tech got my midwife, and my worst fears were realized. Not only was I pregnant with twins, but neither one had a heartbeat. I threw up when they told me. I had so many people praying for good news that I couldn't believe God could be so cruel. Everything we have gone through this pregnancy to have to face a double miscarriage was too much to handle. I had a missed miscarriage before Aidan, and it was devastating. This is about 100 times worse than that. To begin with, Chris does not want a fourth child. I desperately want a fourth child. In fact, Chris even talked about getting sterilized regardless of how this pregnancy turned out. I can't deal with that. When I lose a pregnancy, the only thing to help get over it is for me to get pregnant again. Right now, I feel lost, and empty inside. I want these babies more than anything in the world. What did I do to deserve losing not one, but two babies at one time? I am full of hurt, anger, resentment. I don't want to have a D&C. I already look about 5 months pregnant, and I'm not ready to let go. I've cried so much, yet the tears won't stop. I know they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I can't handle this. I need some good news.
I am overcome with the outpouring of love and support I've received from friends and family, some of whom I've never met. Ladies who have known me since I was pg. with Aidan have posted prayer requests on their Facebook pages, and I am humbled. I feel so bad, but I don't understand why God would give me a double blessing only to rip it away. I have no strength, and my pregnancy hormones are off the charts right now--over 300,000! I am grasping onto a glimmer of hope that maybe another ultrasound will reveal they were wrong, but I doubt it.
Please keep us in your prayers. We need strength--at least, I do.
This is a surprise pregnancy. Noah was a surprise as well, but this time, both Chris and I were stunned. I barely got up the nerve to tell Chris. I took about 7 tests before I believed that I was pregnant, and each one got brighter than the last one. Chris' initial reaction was not the best. After a couple of weeks, though, we both adjusted to the idea of a new baby. I have wanted a 4th child since before Noah was born, but Chris disagreed. I was thrilled that God had taken control and blessed us with another baby.
Due to some insurance issues, I had to wait a bit to be seen for the pregnancy. However, from the very beginning, I was sick. I have nauseous for the past two months now, and have too many food aversions to name. I am certain I have lost weight, and this is why I always posted on Facebook that I felt yucky.
I finally got my insurance stuff figured out, and called my OB on Monday to try to force my way in this week. I had taken another pregnancy test on Halloween, and it freaked me out because it wasn't as bright as my original tests had been. However, considering how sick I've been, I figured everything was ok. Anyway, I finally convinced them to do bloodwork on Tuesday. I was a nervous wreck until I heard from them on Thursday, at which time they told me that my bloodwork looked great but they wanted to go ahead and get a dating ultrasound in. I was so nervous on Friday, but I prayed extra hard for the news to be good.
As they took me back to get the ultrasound, I was almost in tears. I explained how nervous I was, and the tech told me it would be ok. She did an abdominal ultrasound, and immediately, I saw two sacks. I also did not see a heartbeat, but I prayed that maybe I was just missing it, or maybe the other baby would have it. After a few minutes, the tech got my midwife, and my worst fears were realized. Not only was I pregnant with twins, but neither one had a heartbeat. I threw up when they told me. I had so many people praying for good news that I couldn't believe God could be so cruel. Everything we have gone through this pregnancy to have to face a double miscarriage was too much to handle. I had a missed miscarriage before Aidan, and it was devastating. This is about 100 times worse than that. To begin with, Chris does not want a fourth child. I desperately want a fourth child. In fact, Chris even talked about getting sterilized regardless of how this pregnancy turned out. I can't deal with that. When I lose a pregnancy, the only thing to help get over it is for me to get pregnant again. Right now, I feel lost, and empty inside. I want these babies more than anything in the world. What did I do to deserve losing not one, but two babies at one time? I am full of hurt, anger, resentment. I don't want to have a D&C. I already look about 5 months pregnant, and I'm not ready to let go. I've cried so much, yet the tears won't stop. I know they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I can't handle this. I need some good news.
I am overcome with the outpouring of love and support I've received from friends and family, some of whom I've never met. Ladies who have known me since I was pg. with Aidan have posted prayer requests on their Facebook pages, and I am humbled. I feel so bad, but I don't understand why God would give me a double blessing only to rip it away. I have no strength, and my pregnancy hormones are off the charts right now--over 300,000! I am grasping onto a glimmer of hope that maybe another ultrasound will reveal they were wrong, but I doubt it.
Please keep us in your prayers. We need strength--at least, I do.
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